2 AM

Song: Fatboibari, Shiloh - Moonlight Shawty

In the first blog here, I let you step into my room - my little world, the space that held so much of me.

Now that you are here I want to talk about the nights I spent in my room, because the transformation is so beautiful to me. I feel proud that I turned something bad into something I now love.

To start with, I didn’t always feel calm during the nights - it took time to get here. For two years, every single night felt like hell to me, and I couldn’t sleep because I would wake up during the night and be too afraid to fall asleep again.

And I remember thinking that I can’t keep going like this. I needed to create some kind of comfort for myself - something that could calm my mind during the nights, so sleep wouldn’t feel like something to fear anymore.

Little by little, I found comfort and slowly realised that the night could be beautiful and even feel like a friend.

What comforted me was creating. I spent entire nights creating - mostly drawing.

This became the time when I felt most alive. I also would find comfort in the fact that this was the moment when I could take a breath or let my emotions out, without worrying about who would see or hear me. The world around me was asleep - I was alone, and I could let it all out.

Over time, I started doing more and more things - writing, reading books, watching anime, doing my skincare, etc.

It got to a point where I really enjoyed it, and it always ended with me looking at the clock at 4AM and wondering how it got so late.

Nights will always have a special place in my heart - with both their good and bad moments.

When I go back to that time in my mind, I can’t really say anything bad about it. Both periods are a part of me. In a way, I’m even grateful that things happened the way they did. I needed to not be able to sleep, I needed to feel scared, I needed to go through it in order to realize that the night actually offered me peace.

I realized that the night was never against me.

With love,

Chrissy